I Promise I Will.

I'm not going to write poetically. I'm going to say things raw. No sugar-coating. No fancy words and inspirational phrases. If there is anything I want to accomplish in this post, it would be absolute honesty, slight encouragement to be honest with your own self, and simply being real with God.

I failed. I have been failing for quite some time now. How so? I've failed in setting time aside to be with God. School has been my priority. God has been pushed off the list basically. Photoshoots and editing photos have been second on my list. God...not even placing it seems. I try to pray every night. It doesn't happen continually. I miss a night-time prayer session with God because I'm tired/because I don't have the time/because I have to wake up early in the morning/because I fall asleep before I even remember to pray.

I have failed. I am losing my first love.
I want Him back.
Prayer. The Bible. A Relationship-not just a relationship, but a real relationship. I want to want it.

So this,
this is the mark of a new day. A new beginning.
Lord,
Hold me to this:

"I am going to set aside a part of my day to focus on You. I am going to allot a time in which I will only pray to You and read Your Word. No matter how much homework I have or things on my mind, it won't matter. If Facebook can creep its way into my busy busy day, I can't see a reason as to why You cannot. I don't want this to be a "I have to go pray now" type deal. I want this to be a catalyst of sorts that sparks a deeper relationship between You and I. Delving into Your Word and Conversing with You on a daily basis will reveal to me how lovely You are and how much better life is when You are in it-day by day. That is my hope. That is my prayer. That is my promise to You Lord. Throughout this journey I am about to take, reveal to me passages that You wish for me to read. Show me things about You that I have yet to learn. Make this experience, breathtaking. Rekindle my love for You as it once was. I hate saying things like this. I hate acknowledging that my yearning for You has died away of sorts. But I'm being honest. I am praying for Your help Lord."

For those reading this right now,
please don't judge me on what I have just prayed. I must once again remind you, this is for me. For me to remind myself of my daily struggles. I'm keeping it real. I haven't gone off the deep end for those who know me. I'm just trying to give the glory to God. I haven't done so by not dwelling with Him. Don't worry brethren;the Lord will get me back on track. I have faith in that. :)

The Lord's Prayer

Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

the power and the glory,

for ever and ever.

Amen.

This prayer, so commonly said, holds an abundance of meaning than I had never realized prior to tonight. Pick it apart-piece by piece. You'll see the meaning seep out throughout the verses. 

          My mother and I attended "A Night Of Worship" at my church-Faith Christian Community. God's presence filled the room from corner to corner, ceiling to floor. The congregation shouted, praised, worshipped, and cried together-as one body. One body united by the same almighty God who was, is, and is to come. His magnificence struck my heart as I poured everything out before his feet. That cross. That cross was mine. It was meant for me and my sins to be placed upon it. But through the Lord's unfailing mercy, grace, and love for me and the generations before mine and after mine, He laid down. He laid down His precious Son so that I might hear Him one day and decide to relinquish my life to Him. He sacrificed His only Son for a mere chance that I would choose Him over the temptations of this world. 

That is how much He loved us, loves us, and will continue to love us. 

The Lord is our Father. He is our friend. Our Confidant. Our Healer. Our All-Powerful One. Our Redeemer. Our Sanctifier. Our Lamb That Was Slain. Our Abba Father. Our Papa. 

He is JESUS.

His Will will be done. Don't fret. Beware of getting caught up in the struggles of life. His Will will be done. 

& How crucial our daily bread is within this soul-crunching world. We need that strength only God can give-only His Word and His Truth can provide. We starve without it...at least, we should. I would be a liar to say that I can't go a day without reading the Word of the Lord. I have gone many days without doing so and those actions-or lack thereof-have been placed with conviction upon my heart. Lord, give me this day my daily bread. How much I want to want it.

Forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there would be nothing. No enduring relationships, no moving forward. Forgive me Lord of the wrongs I have done before You; of the wrongs I may have done to You. Purify my heart and my entire being Lord. Shine through me. 

Forever and ever. Forever and ever. Let that echo through the nations. Your kingdom will reign forever. Your glory will resonate forever. You and I will (one day) be forever dwelling. Together. As Father and Daughter.

Until That Day, Hold My Hand Tightly;
Bring Me Closer to You. 

Desire for Complete Devotion

A dear friend of mine posed this question to me: Is it not easier to die for someone than to live for that very same thing?

Wow. Absolutely. It absolutely is more difficult to consistently devote your life to a single thing to make the sporadic decision to die for it.

Is it bad that I find it hard to live for Christ in all life's entirety, but find it so simple to say I would die for Christ?
Devoting one's life to Another. It's a sacrifice. It's a daily decision. It's true love and true faith. Lord, I pray you help me give up myself, give up the control I have over myself, give up my passions and replace them with a seeking to understand who You are.
I wonder whether Christians really have a grasp on all that You are. I don't think we know as much as we lead on. We have no idea how many dimensions You have and how many facets of Your Being we have yet to discover.
Lord, You are amazing. You give us chances we don't deserve the slightest bit. You love us. Why? Why do You love us when we have difficulty reciprocating that love you so lovingly pour onto us?
We get lost in the world; the temptations draw us near-peel us further from You. Yet You stay true to us-You pluck us back and place us in Your comforting nest. God-Thank you for not giving up on us-on me. Although I struggle on a daily basis to focus my life and my thoughts on You, You forgive me and show me Your tender loving-kindness. How much I don't deserve but receive Lord.

**Lastly, as a side note, thank you for answering my prayer today. Thank you for giving me essay question #3 on my AP Psychology Test. :)

Aid Me in Devoting My Life To You.

Thank you Lord :)

Thank you :)

A simple statement that couldn't be said enough.

Thank you :)

My friends, my family, my relationships

Thank you :)

Love, compassion, mercy

Thank you :)

The Cross, the blood, the sacrifice

Thank you :)

Redemption, Salvation, You

To You, I owe my life.

Through the Hardships...

Trials. They come; they go. Throughout it all, we (as sinners) change. We do not change ourselves, but the Lord within us starts hacking away at our old selves. He chips away at the hardened hearts and makes our souls joyful. He plucks the logs from our eyes and places a need for repentance in our beings when we've wandered too far. In essence, He's there for us. His hand is always cradling our impressionable and sinful selves. Never doubt that. And this, this is an exception for saying "never." Never say "never" unless it deals with the capabilities of God and his compassion for his children. The Lord will never let you fall too far. He will never tell you it's too late to repent. He will never allow you to be tested beyond your limits. He'll never allow you to think you are not loved.

          Today, I took my SAT-bright (actually quite dark) and early in the morning. The SAT started off relatively poor *in my opinion* and I was feeling substantially dumb. Through this stressful period of time-when I couldn't focus on what I was silently reading and I couldn't figure out certain mathematical questions- I prayed. I asked for God to give me the wisdom that I needed to make it through the rest of the test. And I feel as though that prayer was answered. Yes, I struggled. I didn't get every answer to every question. I skipped some, but when I went back to them when I had the time, I realized what the question was asking or what was needed to be done.

I credit the Lord for those realizations and sporadic bursts of intelligence. Thanks Pops :)

I Must Rely on You Lord & You Alone. 

From Total Serenity to Complete Chaos.

Serenity vs. Chaos-That is what this picture represents. It's symbolic to the type of day I had today. The beginning portion of the day was phenomenal. I was watching this fantastic improvization performance at the OutNorth Theater; the majority of the day was filled with an overabundance of laughter; my friends are so wonderful to me; but then 8:30 came around the corner. That's the time when I got a phone call from my dad. Things flipped from that point onward. **I won't go into details about what occurred to initiate that phone call for I have been requested not to...

I can't help but ponder why has so much happened throughout this week? I don't know the answer to that; I only know that I feel blessed to have started this daily blog. It largely contributes to keeping my sanity. A majority of people don't realize how valuable recording thoughts, feelings, and goals within some fashion of journal can be. So I thank you, Lord, for the inspiration to do this and giving me the determination to continue doing this. :)

For those struggling to keep afloat, read these verses from James:

"Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." -James 1:2-4

Don't Stop The Trials Until You See Your Reflection, Lord.

Loves Like A Hurricane

At this moment, I would simply like to dwell upon my favorite Christian song. It's a song that melts my heart when it freezes up and solidifies; it's a song that lifts up my soul to Him completely. I have never heard this song and sang the lyrics of this song without entirely feeling weightless and set free. It's entitled "Loves Like A Hurricane."

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory

I realize just how beautiful you are

And how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so

Oh, how He loves us

How He loves us so

Yeah He loves us

Oh, how He loves us

Oh, how He loves us

Oh, how He loves

We are His portion, and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking

So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy, wet kiss

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

He loves us

Oh, how He loves us

Oh, how He loves us

Oh, how He loves

Why? Why on this displeasing earth would the Heavenly Father choose to love us-as we sin against Him time and time again? How can He hear every perverse thought we think and see every sinful action we commit and continues to anoint us with unceasing love, mercy, and grace? 

Lord, Your righteousness is beautiful. Refine us. Shine within us. Be in us. 

We need You within this evil, satanic world. We need each other-our brethren-for fellowship. 

On a more personal level Jesus, help me figure out my college predicament. Christian college vs. Non-christian college...Lead my way Lord. Show me, in whichever college I end up attending, how to bring glory to Your name. I realize that I will yearn for a deeper relationship with you more than ever before once I hit the freedom of college. However, I realize that I will find some way of convincing myself that I simply do not have the time to develop that deeper connection. Therefore, with that lack of motivation, I lose You. I ask that You grant me the will and the determination to delve deep into Your word once I'm separated from my Christian support system. I pray for all my Christian friends in that way. Give us long-lasting determination and steadfastness of heart. :)

Yank Me Towards You Lord. 

Support Your Brethren and Share Their Burdens

Today was a whirlwind of emotions. It started off depressive, stayed depressive-with a few glimmers of hope provided by my friends' love and support- moved along into a confused state of being with an endless amount of hovering, unanswerable questions, and lastly-as of right now-a feeling of acceptance and forgiveness.

*I would love to thank my friends for standing by me even though I was not able tell them the reason for my sorrow. Thank you my lovely friends for accepting my secrecy and just supporting me throughout the day. I love you all. :)

If I were to go more in depth about my emotions and thought processes throughout the day, I would reveal to you the very secret in which I am choosing to withhold from you as my reader. Reason being: I was asked to do so. In order to avoid breaking this promise, look at these couple of verses that really helped me throughout my struggle today.

"Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

-Galatians 6:1-3

These verses gave me wisdom in my predicament. They revealed to me the way in which I should approach the situation. Gently. With understanding and support. Although the thoughts within my brain remained chaotic, I knew that I could not react rashly. But rather with an open heart pouring out love for my fellow brethren. And that's what happened.

Lord, I pray for further guidance. Help me understand what you wish for me. I have no concept of what I want for myself. And if I do somehow know, I don't full-heartedly believe it. 

Concrete my beliefs.

The Burden of the Future

Daily, I'm bombarded with questions about what comes next, what His plan is for my life, and how can I could possibly bring glory to His name with the choices I make. 

But as these questions loomed around me, I came to a revelation. A revelation stemmed from a few verses in Matthew.

"Therefore, do no be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34

It's simple. God wants our trust. He asks for nothing more than our devotion to Him-that we love Him with all our heart, our mind, our strength--with everything that we are and every aspect of our lives. And He seeks for nothing more out of us than that for He knows we are not capable of
giving anything more. 

In essence, the Lord is holding out His hand. He longs to hold mine. He longs to hold me. 

I struggle. 

He holds my hand tightly. 

I fall. 

He dusts me off. 

Am I completely confiding in Him and His abilities to provide for me? No. I cannot say that I am at the moment. It's extremely difficult living life without a clear, set path of which to walk upon. However, it's essential that I transform my faith--transform my faith into a blind faith. 

Lord, I pray that You give me a trusting heart. A soul that depends solely upon you-not one that focuses on the future, but rather, focuses on the day. Let the question of "How can I serve you today?" flood the depths of my mind and wash the nagging questions of the future away. My heart, Lord, must be Yours. You fashion it. You sculpt its future and lay down the brick on which I walk. For everything, once my complete trust is invested, is easier that way.  

Demand My Total Trust.

Unearth Me & My Very Purpose on this Earth

Currently, I am lost. I have no direct path on which I am walking. I'm wandering around aimlessly and I feel as though I can only pray for guidance, for the Lord's presence within my life, for motivation. The future seems fast approaching and here, here I sit without a clue.

 Lord, push me toward You. 

Push me closer to who You have sculpted me to be. 

Refine me Lord. 

Here I am, waiting,

Waiting for You to give me that clear direction that I so desperately need. 

Reveal Your Word to me Lord. 

Show me scripture that inspires me within this life of mine, invokes change within this heart of mine, and initiates growth within this soul of mine.

Allow me to know You and love You Lord. 

This is my heart's desire.

Lastly, allow me to say all this genuinely. As the days pass and these journals are written, purify my intentions. Let this be all that I am and yearn to be. Let these writings be a creed to what I pray our relationship will be Lord.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.